In January I hit a milestone birthday. I've never understood that term because I've felt basically unaffected by any previous years. This year was no exception for the first 6 months.

My '95 Geo was giving me problems and though I had decided to keep it until it finally just quit too many things started to go wrong plus I was tiring of adding a quart of oil every week. I did my research, figured out what I could afford, and set out to find that car. The excuse that I was another year older also played a factor. I had only owned two cars in my life to this point (I don't count the '73 Eldorado though it's a joy to float down the road in it. It's never been practical, sensible, cost efficient and so it sits in the yard with less than 5oK original miles on the engine. I'm sure this vehicle will come up some other time in the future so enough of it for now.). A Festiva which I loved, got tons of mileage out of and if I hadn't moved to Detroit with it I'd likely STILL be driving it today, and the Metro which replaced the Festiva and I've never had any affinity for. It was simply a necessary replacement after the car munching streets and intoxicated drivers of Detroit made mincemeat out of the Festiva. I was more than happy to have an excuse to replace the Metro.

After crunching figures, assuring that I keep the new vehicle to bare bones, nothing extra, and deciding on a color I just had to wait for the car to arrive on the lot. About a week's worth of worrying if the Metro was going to get me to and from work another day the car arrived and I went in to sign the paper work. I sat down with my dealer, who it turns out my mother's best friend knew from her hometown where he was considered the town drunk and local attempted carouser (she was glad to see he'd finally made something of himself), signed the papers and then went to finalize the finances.

A woman not much younger than I sat across her desk from me going over the numbers, explaining things quickly, having me sign this and that. There came a point when she turned a paper for me to sign and that's when it hit me. This year had been a milestone birthday. There it was, six months after the date, IN WRITING...."40". I hadn't seen it in print before. I'd said it to myself, but this was different and my first instinct was to correct her and explain that I was only 36 and how did she ever come up with "40"? I got a little dizzy for a moment and when she asked me what was wrong I explained to her that it was taking me a second to comprehend just how disorienting it was to see my new age in print and that until that point it had been meaningless to me, just another birthday. She seemed uninterested and just wanted the papers signed when I was having a small crisis. I slowly signed the paper and as I slid it back across the desk to her she commented, "So is that what I have to look forward too?".

I only hope that she does and that it hits her like it did me. At that moment I realized I should be doing a lot things, new things. Not immediately but I had to do something to mark this year and effect the years to come. Something more than purchasing a new car anyway. So I finally started the 401K, and I made an appointment with my doctor for a physical, I started making better efforts to keep in touch with people from my past that I wanted to and starting purging those who I had been clinging to for years that have been unhealthy for me.

The 401K still kind of freaks me out. It feels SO old and SO responsible and SO wrong for some reason but it's relatively harmless.

The physical revealed some things that were good and it was so recent that I'm still waiting for other results. My blood pressure is good, 122/70. I need to lose weight though my doctor never once said that. He did however say that discomfort I've been feeling below each of my nipples is likely a result of all the weight I've put on recently. The fact that the discomfort and the two bumps below the skin are symmetrical he said is promising and not likely breast cancer. I mentioned moodiness, crankiness, and a constant slight underlying sense of sadness and he suggested perhaps that's just me and it's alright to feel that way. It's the first I've felt normalized in ages. He is runnning tests for andropause (male menopause) and breast cancer just to be sure. He's also checking for diabetes. It turns out, as much as I was dreading the physical I'm glad I scheduled it and followed through.

As for keeping in touch, I'm doing alright with that. Could be better and it's sometimes disappointing when I don't hear back but everyone's busy and changing. That's to be expected.

The purging has been the most difficult. It's not easy for me to admit perhaps some of these people in my past haven't been the best influences. The real question is why would I hold on so tightly to them knowing it isn't good for me? I suppose that remains to be answered as change continues and I have to remind myself there's time to figure it out if need be.

I don't know what other changes are coming. The above changes are just so ordinary/practical. Living a single gay rural life is not the norm I suppose but that's what I've chosen for now and the dogs like it. I'm hoping as I mature I'll meet some new people along the way, travel a bit, continue to romanticize the future and mostly not lose hope for the experiences that lie ahead.