Driving home a song came on the radio (Born Again-Third Day) and though I enjoy it and had heard it before something struck me about this song. More than the song, what it's about and alone in my car I just began crying and releasing the stress of carrying so many things around with me hidden, out of sight of the world. Ridiculous, I know, hidden from the world just means that I'm holding onto things that are right there before God. Things God has willingly taken up for me but I cling to them like some sort of lifeline. As long as I grasp onto these things that have already been taken care of I feel hurt, broken, badly about myself...but alive. To release these things is to die in a very real sense. Without these things the me that I'm familiar with, comfortable with, miserable with but still alive with, fades. I become no more, at least in my present form spiritually. I become dependent on a Maker that I can never fully understand and this is where Faith comes in. Do I have the faith in my Creator to let it all go and trust in what I am to become without the familiar? Minus the comfortable but miserable? I wonder...is it baptism if it's a flood of your own tears and it's just you and your Maker driving alone home from work listening to a song that at the moment is much more than just a song?

Though this experience remains with me the conflict begins already. Work awaits, friends make decisions I just can't stand for, I am lonely, there are too many home projects neglected, my example is sub-par at best. Neither experience is more or less real than the other. Last night's moments of forgiveness and compassion overwhelming me is just as real as the daily grind. To choose one as reality over the other is another kind of death. The death of the fullness of life. I cannot hide in the ambiance of God's Glory and ignore the heaviness of the world around me. There must be a co-existence, a balance. That balance is precarious at best and takes devotion. Devotion to care for the spiritual self and also be part of the world around me.

Yesterday an older boy who constantly antagonizes one of the younger boys helped the younger boy fix his little hand held video game. Without the distraction of the game the younger boy often has major issues and violent outbursts. It was a simple process of removing the back and setting a reset button back in place. There was no arguing, it was just a sincere thing for the older boy to do. I made sure to let the older boy know it was a nice thing he had done for the younger. Though the older doesn't realize it, it was a good example for me too.