Tonight I'm fatigued, somewhat melancholy, feel like I have little to offer and have left work early (with permission) to rest and see if I can somehow jump start my spirit. Though there is reason to suspect that some of this may actually be physical I can't help but feel that much of how I feel right now is brought on my my failure to hold myself accountable in personal matters. And at the moment I really don't want to think about it much though I know it's constantly eating away at me. This is conviction by the Spirit and lets me know that repentance in necessary. Grace awaits and I do not come to Salvation of my own accord or works. That comes from Christ alone.

The boys were calm and quiet when I left though it took some time for them to get to that point. One boy is insistent on demeaning staff in very cruel ways, using extremely foul language, mocking them, threatening to beat them down, treating staff as if they know nothing. It's very difficult to deal with him and even more difficult to not personalize much of what he does and says. After a while it does start to impact the object (staff) and it wears people down. I think it's a control thing for him. He's always so excited when he sees anger from the staff and voices that he's proud he made someone angry. I don't understand this mentality but I know that he's hurt, afraid, angry, does not like himself. It's a shame really because he used to be very likable before he resorted to his non-stop assaults on others. I worry about his family and what he's going to do to them when he's finally placed back home. I can see the family falling apart if he does not change this. He uses this to control everything and he's his own worst enemy.

No one can be made to accept forgiveness, to accept love. These are offered freely and forcing them upon someone would make them something different than what they are. A violence of sort, much like what this young man inflicts on others.

I'm grateful that, even though undeserving, I know a Creator that Loves me and does not grow weary but fills with Joy every time I repent, break away a part of the shell that I cling to as identity. There is a great fear in letting go of these pieces and transforming more (and slowly) into who I am meant to be. Thank you Father and I do love you, even when I cause you sorrow. I am sorry.