Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Daily Fog

My mornings are rarely clear to me. The sun will be shining in through my window yet once I am raised to consciousness my thoughts are muddled and whirling around my head like a gang of restless teens all demanding my attention at the same time. "Look here, pay attention to me...now." I don't know if this is from a state of restless sleep induced by stress or I just have no method to categorize my morning thoughts. I do know that I haven't been looking forward to mornings lately.

I force myself out of bed after attempting to streamline the many thoughts, most of which seem pretty random and unimportant. Lately to deal with this I have been getting clothes on and taking the dogs outside immediately just to get out of my room, out of the house, away from the frustration zone and clear my mind. When the nice weathers nice there are birds chirruping in every direction around me. I see the occasional deer. Sometimes a sandhill crane or a blue heron will pass overhead and the sun is warm at my back with clouds passively crossing the sky. These are currently my only moments of lucidity during the day. I sometimes wonder if I'm cracking up or losing my faculties. This past week was really nice because we had training at work every day. This was something concrete and specified to focus on throughout the day.

At work my thoughts seem just as jumbled. Not so much random but I am pulled by that gang of restless teens that demand my attention AND response RIGHT NOW. It feels like crisis mode 24/7. Even away from work, apart from the morning walks with the dogs, my thoughts are on what could be done differently, what worked, what did I do wrong, what did I do right?

I breathe deep and pray for the Breathe of God to fill my lungs, my soul. I pray the same for my co-workers and the residents. Sometimes I am able to get a sense of the Goodness of God and His watching over me. At times my concern is that fear shows a lack of faith. But then I remember too that our Savior literally sweat blood and asked repeatedly if there were any other way. I don't think anyone would accuse Him of lack of faith. After all He is also the Father/Creator and Spirit. 


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