Friday, February 05, 2010

It's been almost a week since I last sat down and read from the Bible. For me, this is not a good things. I get moody, cranky, nervous, agitated, grumpy, difficult to be around. Mostly I become unable to listen to others and their ventings. I cut  my sister short today because I didn't want to hear what she's saying and struggling with. In large this was a response to the fact that I've been in prayer for weeks about certain health concerns she's dealing with and have forgotten about her living situation and the fact that she's been unable to live in her home that is hours away from where she works. Reviewing my shortness with her chosen topic (considering letting her house go into foreclosure) was really a response to my own shortcomings having forgotten her desire to live back in her home up north. Of course her health is also a priority and that's what I have focused on.

Maybe I feel I let her down. Part of my thought process was that I was concerned about something that maybe she doesn't consider a priority. Then I consider how irrational my response to this is. Of course I am concerned primarily with her health. Without that she wouldn't be able to enjoy her home up north anyway. Even more than that, I'm just a man, and though I believe we have the ability to perform miracles and change lives with the Spirit through us, I am after all, fallible, mistake worthy, just a sub-par, below average person who struggles daily with just about everything lately.

It's all become pretty overwhelming really. I find that I'm never really comfortable, confident, assured. I'm always questioning, perhaps even doubting. What I'm not certain, of course.

Sugar's song "Helpless" is blasting in my ears and it seems appropriate. I do feel pretty helpless most of the time. I wasn't able to prevent a co-worker from being fired this week. I haven't been remembering everything in prayer like I feel I should. ( I was actually feeling pretty good about this until my conversation with my sister today, and it isn't her fault) I haven't really been effective in helping any of the kids at work make long term changes. I mostly get frustrated with them and just lay it out there like the most uncool parent would.

I have got to believe though that there are more important, and perhaps surprisingly simple, things in store that I will effect in some positive way. Isn't that what most of us want anyway? To feel that somehow we've been here and involved in something positive, good, and lasting? Maybe I'm feeling helpless and overwhelmed because I'm not simply listening and moving on? I'm taking hold and not letting go thinking I really can effect change?

As the days get longer, the weather gets nicer, I am going to have to start taking time to watch the cats outside grow and play. Take the dogs on longer walks and get myself away from the house for days at a time. And make time again for daily reading and meditation. And prayer. Accept blessings, accept forgiveness, accept my shortcomings. 


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