Monday, October 11, 2010

I've been on hiatus for an extended period. Much of that time I've done very little and can account for almost nothing. There were things that I had in mind to do such as write, clean house, prepare for the winter months, spend time at my sister's house up north, find a different job, be more involved in church, read, get caught up with people I know...  That's just a partial list and looking at it I see something insurmountable. Sometimes a person has to just dig right in and do the things s/he doesn't want to and see what the outcome will be.

This hiatus was not something that I anticipated or planned. Somehow I allowed a sense of being overwhelmed to fling me into a state of mental paralysis. I can recall very clearly the moment it hit. I found myself wandering aimlessly around the supermarket. There wasn't anything in particular that I needed or even wanted. The purpose was to distract from the things that have been pressing to be dealt with. I found myself in the stationary aisle looking at pencils. Not registering the different kinds of pencils, the different designs, just stopping and looking at the pencils. I didn't even need pencils. A sense of deep sorrow washed over me from the top of my head to the bottoms of my now leaden feet. My arms dangled at my sides unwilling to lift. Tears began to form in my eyes clouding the rows and rows of pencils before me. I remember thinking, "I'm just going to stay right here. I'm going to sit down right here, right now and just stay right here. I don't have to be anywhere, I don't have to go anywhere and this is where I want to be right now at this moment and for all the moments to come.". It didn't matter if people looked at me oddly or asked if I needed anything. My response was going to be, "No thank you. I'm really fine and this is where I want to be right now. But I do appreciate your asking, I really do. Thanks." It would be a matter of time before the manager would approach me and I'd already decided once that happened I'd breathe deep, thank them for their concern and get up and leave, probably drive around with no specific destination or reason. It was about 1 am when this occurred nearly 2 months ago and it's only now that I can begin to see it for what it has been and continues to be, though less intense.

I did not sit down by the pencils that day though it seemed as if it took all of my might to snap out of it and shuffle on and out of the store. I don't recall the specifics of anything else I did in the store. The rest of the time I was there is just a blur of aimless, pointless meandering. I have to guess that part of it was an underlying hope that someone, anyone would notice that at that time I was in crisis. No one did. No one would unless I said something or did something crazy like sit down in the pencil aisle and tell anyone that asked that I'm alright and I'm right where I want to be and don't want to be anywhere else right now. Even though that wasn't true.

Is it really that difficult to communicate need, to ask for help, to take the risk that someone might not get it and think strangely of someone? I mean honestly, wouldn't it be much easier to simply go to someone trusted and say, "I am hurting right now and I don't know what to do?". "I feel trapped and am afraid for what's to come, or that nothing is to come and things will stay like this forever.". So frail and so much worry about what someone may think. Something about pride and falling...

So little trust in the Goodness in others. But I do believe It's there and most people are excited to share It. They just need someone to go to them and ask for help and risk the sense of being strong and allowing our pride to falter and seek God in those around us. God is all around and working through others all the time, often the other person not being aware of exactly what they are doing but God using them anyway. It's often that still small voice that we miss, or take for granted, or simply don't recognize. We don't allow for miracles anymore. We've even lost the sense of Grace and Forgiveness and that's why only "crazy" people are willing to ask for help. Somehow we've become so limited. But there is Trust and Faith. It's Spark hasn't extinguished, thank God.

And so I hope to be back for a while and carrying on with whatever it is I am doing or am supposed to be doing. And hopefully I will not only make myself available to others in need but be able to look to those around who are eager and simply waiting for someone to ask for their help.

Mercy truly does live here. 


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home