Saturday, January 24, 2009

Need we ask?

The question 'Why me?' was posed on a friend's facebook page this morning and then he asked is it worth pondering the point. Reflection is a good thing as long as it doesn't become paralyzingly self-indulgent I suppose so I quipped this back to him:

I suppose it's actually a good thing to ask 'why me?'. First I would wonder why me "what"? You may never know why you about many things, at least know for certain. I often wonder why it was me who always seemed to be the one putting things on hold and staying around making sure Gram and Gramp (bless their souls) were okay, making sure mom gets around town to run her errands, staying at a job that doesn't offer much at all other than frustration and stress... The flip of that is why do I have the things that I need when others simply don't.

I'd live much differently if I didn't see a need for the things to get done that others don't do. Others may not even recognize those needs. Again it's the question 'why me', why are these things left to me? Why do I notice as others walk blindly past. It makes me no better than anyone else, sometimes (often) it makes me miserable, it confuses and aggravates me when I feel like others are just walking by and not noticing what needs there are around them they can meet. Why me?

And I really don't know, I've never been able to answer that. I suppose it has something to do with faith that I'm doing what I'm meant to. I suppose it has something to do with hoping I am one day pleasing to God. I suppose in some way it's an attempt to set things right even though I'll never be worthy on my own of the Kingdom of Heaven. I suppose it's some deep desire to create some form or glimpse of Heaven here on earth, a searching for something that's been missing/lost almost from the beginning of time.

I believe that question is in most, if not all of us to some extent and some of us are more aware of the question than others. Unfortunately I also think there is no real answer other than trusting it's a nagging in our hearts that is a result of searching/desiring just a taste of what we have lost. And we catch glimpses of it from time to time. Those glimpses push us further in our quest and often lead to more frustration and more asking 'why me?'.

I think it's too flip to answer that with 'why not?' but that could be a valid answer. But I don't like when questions are answered with questions unless it is leading to something profound, life changing. And I don't have the answer to that. I've a simple brain that functions the best it can given it's state of rest, having it's nutritional needs met, getting the stimulus it needs and even stimulus it doesn't need, nor should it have. There's likely not a simple answer nor a satisfying answer. What usually happens is the necessity to meet the need outweighs my desire to come up with a definitive answer to 'why me?' and I push the wheelchair, I drive my mother to the grocery store, I prepare the meal for my brother, I do the dishes, I dole out the medications as they are meant to be taken, I greet the person I know little about and have little desire to get to know...... I go through the motions but in those actions messages are sent that are very clear and concise: You matter enough for me to take notice. And maybe that's 'why me'. Not so much for ourselves but for others to feel a little more human, to feel a tiny bit cared for in so many of these simple daily acts. Why me, indeed?

That's how I answered that. It's not very satisfying but it's what I had at the moment. Now I think it's simply because that's what we are asked to do: Give of ourselves, even if reluctantly. Better with a glad heart, but better something reluctant that's meaningful than nothing at all. God bless us, everyone.