Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I'm being challenged by the Body of Christ in ways I had forgotten are a challenge to me. Previously I had noted how I was trying to plug in and volunteer at the church I attend on Sundays. Now I am being asked to help with transportation of people who do not have rides to church. My first response was hesitency and apprehension. Why? It's what I wanted, or at least what I said I wanted.

The more I think about it the more I begin to wonder if maybe it's simply the recognition by someone that I'm craving and my volunteering is born of extremely selfish and self indulgent motives. Why would I volunteer and then, the very thing I offer up, my first instinct is to turn from when I'm asked to help? It makes no sense unless I'm offering my service without sincerity or for wrong motives. I will be doing this service as there is another man in church that does the van ministry alone and it's something they want two people to work together on so I will be paired with him. When this solution was offered my apprehension left and I'm looking forward to doing it. So I have to wonder is it selfish motives or am I developing some sort of neurosis or phobia. Does my hesitation stem from doubting my own ability to do this.

I have had the same doubt when I discovered that the schedule for children's Sunday School includes me doing the story in the weeks ahead. This makes no sense as my favorite part of my current job was to read aloud to the boys at night. Plus, this was another thing that I offered to do. What could possibly be causing my apprehension and doubt? These are not new things to me. In college I drove a van around campus picking up students who needed rides. Reading aloud is one of my favorite things to do because I'm pretty good at it. Where is this apprehension being born? I spend a good part of my life dwelling in this apprehension that tells me I cannot do things, that I will fail, that I'm not good enough.

And really, apart from Jesus, I suppose I am not good enough. It is only through Him that I really can do these things and do them well. Even in these opportunities I have to give God the glory, know that it is only by Grace that these things I do mean anything. The worth of these activities does not come from me. It comes from being in service of the Creator, the Savior, our God.

On my own I have failed repeatedly and miserably. I have hurt others, let them down, lied, tried to take credit for things that I deserve no credit for. I want to love God simply because He is. He is God. And that's enough. Not the for the things He's does for me, not for the things He allows me to do, not for the times he's allowed me to take credit for the things I couldn't have done apart from Him. I want to love God simply because he is. (This bares repeating) And do the things I know I should, not to get credit or to be noticed or recognized but to please the Father.

I drive the church van, therefore He Is.